Now, Don’t Overreact or Anything

Now, Don’t Overreact or Anything


Give me a raise, Loser.

Ya, that is a dog head pancake. I might be the first to say this, but I just really don’t get having a dog.

I am really trying to understand dog-ownership and I don’t wanna sound like a real wench, but I am really finding it hard to find the positives.

Granted, I am still enduring the puppy stage (which I’m feeling is going to last an eternity.)

Let’s just begin at the beginning. And when I come to the end, I’ll stop, see.

I am semi-afraid of dogs. Thus, has translated into just really not appreciating the scope of dogs. It is a really big step to admit outloud that you don’t like dogs.  People really think ya a B.  Ironic huh? Get it?

So far, I have an animal living in my home.  The home I pay a pretty penny for each month. I have an animal that has peed and pooped all over the primary living space of my home. Has also thrown-up on my sofa. The place I go to relax is now tainted. When I do push-ups, I can almost guarantee my face is going directly over a spot that once had poop sitting on it. I immediately picked up any poop or pee and sanitized the area like an OCD crankhead. Yet, just knowing is not half the battle here. It’s the freakin soft taco. The dog has improved immensely with potty skillz. The “Ocassional” still happens. I just shake my head.  I just would never have a guest that I would allow to pee and poop all over my living room floor and still allow them to hangout.

Then there is the dagger claws digging into my bare legs- always when I least expect it. Also, the clawing and snagging of my clothes. Leggings, workout wear, hosiery. The list goes on. This dog somehow has not learned DOWN.  Seems like a simple and monotonously repeated command that a dog could easily retain. No. Not yet.

One of the biggest surprises is eating time. This dog will not eat. Notoriously spends the entire day scrounging for bits of people morsels. But try to give her a bowl of outrageously expensive dog food, she snubs her nose at it. People here have actually sat on the floor and hand-fed her. Preposterous, time consuming bullsh!t.  She doesn’t even get people food so really there is nothing for her to compare.  Of all things dogs do, I would think the one thing I wouldn’t have to teach her is: to eat. Eat. Dogs eat anything, but not this dog. This dog eats anything, but dog food. Feeding time is unreal and I am done with waiting it out. The dog that chews on my wood trim. The baseboard around my whole home. Makes me wanna scream. But dog food is a no.

I can’t go anywhere. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. The anxiety is real. I have a kennel. Sigh. But, the dog needs to run around. The dog gets to live life. I get to live the dog’s life. When does this end? I need to work on projects around the house. I need to get a lot of stuff done. I can’t keep an eye on what four-leg is getting into or peeing on and focus on my other responsibilities.  I feel like I can’t get a thing done and I don’t just think it, I know it. My house is a crap mess inside a dog toilet.

I awake in the morning happy, ready to begin a new, fresh day then I hear the scratch of the nails sharpening on the bottom of the kennel. My smile wanes. My brightness fades. The feeling in my chest tightens. Oh, ya, I have a dog. My world revolves around. Aaaaargh! The other morning I was planning to go on a trip. Thinking about when I would leave, all the fun etc. etc. Then I realized, Oh Sh!t, Merda! I can’t go anywhere. I have a dog. I have a dog. I have a dog.

I can’t even walk around my yard and enjoy the beautiful scenery, why? Because my yard is poop filled. I have to go out and pick up poop. This is the craziest. I am spending and planning time for poop pick up. For picking up poop.

I know. I know. I shouldn’t have a dog. But, we do things for people we love and because I can’t b!tch to them- I am b!tching here.  I ehat having a dog.  I wanna know when it gets fun.  I look at the dog and only see one more thing I have to maintain. Somebody help me understand the happiness that is to come.  Because for now I just have dog hair on all my stuff.  Even newly washed clothes right out of the dryer, Right Out Of The Dryer!!!!!! have dog hair on them.  How is this possible? Where are the positives? My hands are dry from washing them so often- I don’t like the licking or hair on me.  I don’t allow the dog in the kitchen, because I feel the hair will float into my food. It repulses me. Most of the time I stand in the kitchen to eat like I’m the help.  I don’t eat at the table, because she jumps up and claws into my leg then on her way back down nails all the way down the calf. The kennel is also near and the smell O’ dog is not appetizing. Dinnertime delight. The dessert of my day.

I am not a dog person. I don’t understand how everyone thinks everyone loves their dog? I go to stores where dogs are just roaming free, jumping on customers.  The store owners are crazy thinking this is a pleasant experience. It sucks. My neighbors let their dogs run around in everyone’s yards- peeing, pooping wherever they choose. It’s anarchy. I mean what if I’m on a run and big German shepherd sees me and scares the crap out of me? Almost all our neighbors have dogs and almost all of them are giant. Who lives like this? Dogs pooping in other people’s yards? Where’s the humanity? The dignity?

I have had many many negative dog related experiences in my life. I have never met a nice, domesticated dog in all my life except one. All the rest have been nutbars.

Alright, well b!tching concluded. Someday I will be back. Hopefully, with better times involving dog. Right now she is tearing up her kennel mat like a mad dog.  As for now all you can do is pray for me. That’s the best thing anyways!



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