So You’ve Tried Everything

So You’ve Tried Everything



Losing Weight.  It’s a B, ain’t tit?

I have literally tried everything – we’re talking the gamut. We’re talking candida diet to full fat diet and everything in between. We’re talking T25 to half marathons: check.

I don’t want to bore you with the mundane details – nothing worked.  Until now.

I am going to unlock the secret secret that all the secret-keepers have been keeping locked away under their bony, little butts- deep beneath their protein shakes and avoid carb books. This is thrillingly earth-shattering and life changing and stupid all at the same time.



You and I spend all this time researching and watching videos and sniffing old cans of refried beans to find out that there is a catch. The proverbial circle of thought that all these ‘gurus’ spin.  They wanna make a buck and they don’t really want to reveal all their know-how.  (Some are forthcoming some are not. Not everyone can be put in a box.)

I am gonna spell it out for you. It is as simple as (mind you I’m not a doctor, so take this advice as you will.) BUT IT IS AS SIMPLE AS: calories in- calories out.


If you would like to lose weight here is a simple and very effective weigh to do it. Unless you have a specific diet plan or doctor’s orders or what not this plan works.


Firstly, find out how much you weigh and don’t obsess over it.  I do not like having a scale in my house, but I have one right now and it measures body fat and all that.

Secondly,  get on some sort of calorie counting application.  I like the fitness pal one.  It has  a lot of stored entries from other users.  Mind you not all of them are correct.  I double check my calorie info on what I ingest and make sure it is accurate when I input my food data for each meal.  Bear in mind, that everything counts, even two potato chips.  Chip calories matter.  Calories are just an estimate of energy in food.  Even science Effs up at times.  (A lot more than they let us know actually, but that is another block of cheese).

Thirdly, eat normally.  Eat like you would on any typical given day. Just make sure you record every last morsel, drop or dozen into the calorie collecting database.  Do this each day for three to five days.

Fourthly, go to a site like   Pick a semi-reliable BMR calculator and put in your current info. THE BMR number allows you to know how many calories you need to consume in order to live daily at the weight you are now.  Now, put into the BMR calculator the weight you would LIKE to be after losing weight.  Now refer back to those days logged for calorie intake on your food diary app thingy.  Analyze and let it soak in.

Fifthly, look to see how many calories you are actually eating.  If the current amount of calories you are consuming is close, higher or the same as the amount of calories the BMR calculator says you need to maintain your current weight then consider reducing your calorie intake.  That is if you wish to lose weight.  Do not go under 1200 calories per day. (If you need to go under 1200 calories a day, you probably have the wrong perception of yourself.)  If you choose to use the My Fitness Pal as your app du jour, under Home in the Goals section you can edit your daily calorie balance under Daily Nutrition Goals.  Change the calories to whatever number of calories you need to lose weight.  If shooting down calories in a bunch is making you anxious, just lower your calories by the hundreds.  For ejemplo: If one is overeating by 1000 calories a day and doesn’t want to jump that much that quick, just lower the daily calorie intake by 250 calories for seven days and then see if you’re ready to do more. Super TIP: Drink Water.  Most of us are semi-dehydrated.  Sometimes we think we’re hungry when in actuality, we are thirsty S-O-B’s. Or maybe it’s just me. If I get snacky, I drink some water and see how that goes.  If I need a snack, I eat a snack. boom.

Sixthly, yes, be ready to be shocked by how many calories are in some foods.  Now, make better choices.  Look for calories from real food. God’s foods. LOG ALL YOUR FOOD IN THE APP.  Don’t worry about working out and doing crossfit and going pazzo.  Maybe take a walk or do regular chores until you get to the weight that is in a “normal” (what they call normal, did the Japanese design these charts?) BMI range. When you achieve that GOAL weight, refer back to the BMR calculator and see what calorie number it gives you to maintain your new weight.  Then if you add more exercise, you’ll need more fuel.  Try this one   (I like it, but it doesn’t always work.)

Seventhly, carbohydrates are perfectly perfect.  You don’t have to eat eight small meals a day (unless your doc has you on some whipped up thing like that). You don’t need to eat tons of protein and you absolut vodka don’t want to starve yo’self weirdo.  This article  proves that it is CICO (psycho ha ha ha calories in/calories out and Haub’s no dummy



LASTLY, REMEMBER! Everything takes time. Keep in mind an estimated 3500 calories equals about a pound of weight.  Be patient.  We all want a quick fix.  It is a long term fix that is always the best.  Like plumbing, do we want a fly-by-night rookie putting a band- aid on our burst pipe or a long time plumber’s crack extraordinaire laying some shiny copper? Jesus Loves You!








Look at how clean that is

I am again watching purging videos and listening to magic tidying words of encouragement, words of accomplishment, words of: ” I do, maybe you can?”


See, that is the hurdle.

In my head I know what should be done around here. I also know that in my head, I have already failed. Now, this is self-defeating. I am not stoops. What this is, is someone who knows thyself.

I have already allowed the continued debacle to debacle.

I have already FAILED.

Which kind of makes me laugh. I have a friend that says “FAIL” or “Dream Crush/er” when things turn sour at my hands.

God makes things look so clean

He’s so cool

I think of seasons

All the gorgeous flowers-gone

All the beautiful leaves-gone

All the sparkling snowflakes-gone

All the sunny blue skies-gone

God makes much more beautiful and useful things than I and He knows when to dispose of them. What is my problem?

I am chalking it up to a little bit of laziness and a little bit of schedule woe.

Of course, after an entirely too long day I just wanna get my elbows into a meck of stuff I need to sort through. Ya, right. On top of that cherry, I get REALLY entirely too bored going through stuff and long for more fun stuff to stuff my entirely too long elbows into. Ha Ha. That was funny. Entirely.

There again, (Canadian-wise again—A—Gain) I am a flop at all this. I, by all obviousness haveth overbooketh myselfeth. This is quarterly quartered by the lack of organization I am espousing. If organizing my home, my loverly abode, is a chore that gets put on the shelf like a self-help book on time management- you can only imagine my scheduling wrangle.

I am a kin to the flame that is home harmony.

I just need to want it reeeeeeeeeeeally bad. I want it, but just not reeeeeeeeeeeeeeally badly.  Not yet.

The failure thing in my mind is a bit off-putting.

Image result for oneOne, I’ve already failed, because the current situation and condition of my home.


twoTwo, I think I will fail once I get going, because I get SO bored with the sorting and piling and sectioning and containing and tossing and donating and “Do I need this? Does it spark joy? Do I want this? Does anyone use this?” blah blah blah.  It’s not one step.  It’s many consecutive steps that isolate me in the world of cleaning up endlessly.  I may have time one day but, not anymore time to get back to that crap for a…..two weeks, a half a year????? Let’s not kid ourselves. This whole organization thing is like a full-time job Plus-Plus. Plus-Plus means extra extra. I enjoy and try to regularly employ the Pomodoro Technique.

So it is like after 25-30 minutes I best stop sorting stuff, take a break and regroup. But I tend to press on believing that if I break momentum I will thus follow another trail of sweets that are sweeter! I am easily swayed to funner events. YES Funner.

By the by,  I already spend waaaaay too much time on items. My day is full of items. Some I think I would never use again, but I have. Some I …..okay this is just a pointless paragraph so, I’m just going to put a .

three-stoogesThree, these people I watch, listen to or read of doing this transforming of their homes and lives are totally different than me.  I mean, let’s face it. They are already where they wanna be or striving for unattainable clean.  I wonder how they have so much time to devote to organization. I am different, because I do not want to devote much to the wiles of organization.  These people may also like the lake. I would actually like to know the percentage–of the heavily structured housekeeper and lake lovers combo. I can’t spend too much time on drawer containers and plastic-ware storage solvers. I like freedom. I am not putting these people down. I am merely figuring out why I am not one of them. Could I become one of them? We will see a……two weeks, a half a year? from now.

number-four-clipart-clipart-panda-free-clipart-images-number-4-clipart-246_297Four, no one cares. BUT everyone cares! This is one of the more annoying tidbits of house cleaning and refining.  No one wants to do the work, but everyone wants to know where their phone charger is or their fancy decorative duct tape with the purple and black spiders is. I am the Little Red Hen yo-yos.

But, I let everyone eat the bread. I’m notta B. C’mon. This is the classic case of no one wans to peek up. No one. So, there I am, whilst everyone else is having fun? Doing chores and crap. Whatta sham. I like to have fun. I am a fun-lover a lover of fun.

imagesFive, guilt. I kind of was raised by this sweet, beguiling, yet petty little thing called Guilt. Guilt has a way of making me think that my ideas of what should be done with a certain something is a bad Bad BAD idea. Starving kids in China. Barefoot babes in Africa. Naked Nellies in the Bush. I don’t know.  Just that how on earth could I dispose of such a costly or sentimental or necessary item? I don’t know how, obviously, because I don’t regularly get rid of said items. (Guilt is just my lit’le ol’ brain not my parentials or anything of that nonsense, they are lovely) Funny. Ironically, I could walk into your house and toss anything.  I would find most things to be obsolete that you own. SO, it really is not the item to me or the thing, it is the meaning it has to me or for any of us–the meaning it has to ourself.  Is that a word? Ourself. I guess it is now.  We will keep it, because I keep most everything. Like a freakin’ weirdo. Well, not like garbage, I don’t keep big swig cups and empty Cheetos bags. (I suppose the word is YOURSELF.)

In closing, God wants me to move forward. Live today, not yesterday or tomorrow.

Not live for myself or for someone else, but to glorify Him.

Do I glorify God by not sharing?

Do I glorify God by keeping too much?

Do I glorify God by enshrining people or events?

Do I glorify God by being a good steward of what He has given me?

Do I care what God thinks of my disorganization?

Should I compare myself with others?

Should I do what God calls me to do?

Should I read Ecclesiastes?


Problems Solved.

3132045111_d5829a26a3 Problems and a cardboard box full of junk isn’t one.





Messy Messy Messy

Messy Messy Messy

Messy Is What Messy Does.
Now, does that make sense or…no ?
I am a Messy Marvin.
My home is not at all as I fondly pictured it would look like whence I was a child.
I really had no reality at that time. I was picked up after for the most part. Every once in a while I was dolloped into my room for a spell to meander through my collected things and discard the nonsense.
Truth be told, it was almost all nonsense and to make more nonsense of it all, I kept a lot of it. I usually started out with the action plan: Dump and Go! Which after an hour became: This is Your Life.
I lingered over bits of paper treasures and memory joggers that led me to being the rattiest of packers or the packiest of ratters. How doeth one becometh unpackrateth?
This is a life undertaking that I have assumed for well, let’s be honest, all my life.

Why am I this way? I don’t know? Ha Ha Ha! I soul search this question to myself, daily I’m gonna say. How is it that one person can toss and one cannot? I have, with liberality and high freedom, tossed an undesired boyfriend from my life without a moment of hesitation, but the love poem he wrote me I have buried in a box in my basement??? (I question myself.) Which, if I locate, on one of those days I have absolutely nothing better to do than unearth my trove of cardboard to the light of day breath I will throw away.
Another example of my packratitis: I have handmade wooden chairs. I did not handmake them. My father’s friend’s father handmade them along with a healthy tavola. The whole three piece set he made. One of the chairs broke. I have a crazy notion everything can be fixed. I think this chair can be mended, just not by me, I’ve tried. I want to throw the chair out, but then what is one chair and a table? Am I an Eastern European immigrant or something sitting in a half sunlit room, waiting for word, drinking vodka from a dirty juice glass? Come On! A table needs two chairs. So, what do I do? I tried to get the chair fixed and sent a foto to these wood extremist furniture guys. They were like offended. Go figure. The wood on these chairs is beautiful and like no wood I usually see. The handiwork he put into making these–just exquisite in my eyes, because I can’t even mend the chair let alone make the chair. Then I think, “His own family gives two craps and gave the set to you, get over it.” See the struggle? I put the mental into verbal. One, two, three. Toss. I can do it, right?

In the last sixteen years I have moved seven times.  That translates mathematically into moving every 2.28571428571428……..years. One would hopefully derive from the math that moving that often would hypothetically mean one would be low on the totem pole for stuff. One would hypothetically conclude that moving stuff about every two and a half years that things would vaporize and a suitcase and a box of essentials would suffice. Woe es me, por favor.  Breathing in, I have more stuff now than I think I have ever had in my life. Praise God for the blessings, help me spread them out to others!

I do give stuff away, but crap is like a feral cat and stuff just keeps coming back to find me. I really just don’t want to find the time. I mean, here I am typing out my thoughts instead of dealing with the cargo load at the dock. I actually will find things to do even when I planned to go through it. I will jog ten miles before going down there. It’s true, I always ask runners what they are running away from or running to. I am running away from a heap of crap and back to the heap of crap.

Often I get those helpers who wanna help. Oh I wanna help you…sob, sob, sob. I’m not a hoarder. I am just deeply unorganized and have a bad memory. So finding something that helps me remember something from the past is nice. Otherwise, I have probably forgot. Somethings I need to forget! But back to the helpers. If I were to take a helper person into my schtuff and droll over it they would laugh at me. They would find it so absurd. I can’t take the ridicule. I am a sensitive person that is why I keep the stuff. I want to know that I meant something to someone and they meant something to me, whether they are in my life any longer. I want to think about things that I didn’t get as long to think about at the time. I may have time to think about them now and think about them differently. Maybe with a fresh heart and mind. I want to see the things I didn’t see when they were happening. It all just goes by so fast. Maybe, for some they don’t care and they just throw it in the trash. I do care, is that wrong? Is that bad?  Sometimes I think it is. Nuture the people, not the things. I tell myself.

I am listening to the Marie Kondo book, the first one. It is helpful. Since I am a novice I need the help from the outside. Just not someone standing over my shoulder. I recommend it. Just for the sake of guidance for those who don’t know how to organize. This is an ongoing life effort. I will write more. I guess I am figuring out why I am in the Rat Pack, not the cool one.


Now, Don’t Overreact or Anything

Now, Don’t Overreact or Anything


Give me a raise, Loser.

Ya, that is a dog head pancake. I might be the first to say this, but I just really don’t get having a dog.

I am really trying to understand dog-ownership and I don’t wanna sound like a real wench, but I am really finding it hard to find the positives.

Granted, I am still enduring the puppy stage (which I’m feeling is going to last an eternity.)

Let’s just begin at the beginning. And when I come to the end, I’ll stop, see.

I am semi-afraid of dogs. Thus, has translated into just really not appreciating the scope of dogs. It is a really big step to admit outloud that you don’t like dogs.  People really think ya a B.  Ironic huh? Get it?

So far, I have an animal living in my home.  The home I pay a pretty penny for each month. I have an animal that has peed and pooped all over the primary living space of my home. Has also thrown-up on my sofa. The place I go to relax is now tainted. When I do push-ups, I can almost guarantee my face is going directly over a spot that once had poop sitting on it. I immediately picked up any poop or pee and sanitized the area like an OCD crankhead. Yet, just knowing is not half the battle here. It’s the freakin soft taco. The dog has improved immensely with potty skillz. The “Ocassional” still happens. I just shake my head.  I just would never have a guest that I would allow to pee and poop all over my living room floor and still allow them to hangout.

Then there is the dagger claws digging into my bare legs- always when I least expect it. Also, the clawing and snagging of my clothes. Leggings, workout wear, hosiery. The list goes on. This dog somehow has not learned DOWN.  Seems like a simple and monotonously repeated command that a dog could easily retain. No. Not yet.

One of the biggest surprises is eating time. This dog will not eat. Notoriously spends the entire day scrounging for bits of people morsels. But try to give her a bowl of outrageously expensive dog food, she snubs her nose at it. People here have actually sat on the floor and hand-fed her. Preposterous, time consuming bullsh!t.  She doesn’t even get people food so really there is nothing for her to compare.  Of all things dogs do, I would think the one thing I wouldn’t have to teach her is: to eat. Eat. Dogs eat anything, but not this dog. This dog eats anything, but dog food. Feeding time is unreal and I am done with waiting it out. The dog that chews on my wood trim. The baseboard around my whole home. Makes me wanna scream. But dog food is a no.

I can’t go anywhere. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. The anxiety is real. I have a kennel. Sigh. But, the dog needs to run around. The dog gets to live life. I get to live the dog’s life. When does this end? I need to work on projects around the house. I need to get a lot of stuff done. I can’t keep an eye on what four-leg is getting into or peeing on and focus on my other responsibilities.  I feel like I can’t get a thing done and I don’t just think it, I know it. My house is a crap mess inside a dog toilet.

I awake in the morning happy, ready to begin a new, fresh day then I hear the scratch of the nails sharpening on the bottom of the kennel. My smile wanes. My brightness fades. The feeling in my chest tightens. Oh, ya, I have a dog. My world revolves around. Aaaaargh! The other morning I was planning to go on a trip. Thinking about when I would leave, all the fun etc. etc. Then I realized, Oh Sh!t, Merda! I can’t go anywhere. I have a dog. I have a dog. I have a dog.

I can’t even walk around my yard and enjoy the beautiful scenery, why? Because my yard is poop filled. I have to go out and pick up poop. This is the craziest. I am spending and planning time for poop pick up. For picking up poop.

I know. I know. I shouldn’t have a dog. But, we do things for people we love and because I can’t b!tch to them- I am b!tching here.  I ehat having a dog.  I wanna know when it gets fun.  I look at the dog and only see one more thing I have to maintain. Somebody help me understand the happiness that is to come.  Because for now I just have dog hair on all my stuff.  Even newly washed clothes right out of the dryer, Right Out Of The Dryer!!!!!! have dog hair on them.  How is this possible? Where are the positives? My hands are dry from washing them so often- I don’t like the licking or hair on me.  I don’t allow the dog in the kitchen, because I feel the hair will float into my food. It repulses me. Most of the time I stand in the kitchen to eat like I’m the help.  I don’t eat at the table, because she jumps up and claws into my leg then on her way back down nails all the way down the calf. The kennel is also near and the smell O’ dog is not appetizing. Dinnertime delight. The dessert of my day.

I am not a dog person. I don’t understand how everyone thinks everyone loves their dog? I go to stores where dogs are just roaming free, jumping on customers.  The store owners are crazy thinking this is a pleasant experience. It sucks. My neighbors let their dogs run around in everyone’s yards- peeing, pooping wherever they choose. It’s anarchy. I mean what if I’m on a run and big German shepherd sees me and scares the crap out of me? Almost all our neighbors have dogs and almost all of them are giant. Who lives like this? Dogs pooping in other people’s yards? Where’s the humanity? The dignity?

I have had many many negative dog related experiences in my life. I have never met a nice, domesticated dog in all my life except one. All the rest have been nutbars.

Alright, well b!tching concluded. Someday I will be back. Hopefully, with better times involving dog. Right now she is tearing up her kennel mat like a mad dog.  As for now all you can do is pray for me. That’s the best thing anyways!


Vorrei Muffin

Vorrei Muffin

I made Muffins

No period on the sentence BeCaUsE I WILL continue to make muffins again and again.


These little chocolate chip numbers are delightful. They freeze well. They eat well. They travel well. They are so worldly.

First and foremost I use as le base of most muffins made by moi:

Now I do put my own ‘lil spin on these.

First off,  I double or quadruple, 👍 yes quadruple the recipe.  This way, once I make the base batch I can split it up and make my variants e.g., blueberries, cherries, mango and ginjah (ginger) etc.

Secondly, concisely thirdly, fourthly and so on… I ramble. I use All Purpose Flour it’s unbleached and good and all.  I just found that whole wheat flour was making me stuffy and phlegmmy.  (Only took a few years of suffering for me to catch on.)

Futhermore, I do use only applesauce, no yogurt. “Later, Yogurt.”

I kick out the butter completely. “Get Out Buttah.”

Then I mix with Wahter. “No Milk, hit the Bricks With Butter and Yogurt Over There!”

Then I add whatever I wanna add, because these muffins aren’t the boss of me.  (I had a friend that used to say that about everything. I thought it odd after awhile. Because, did she really have to remind herself so often?)

Anywaaaaays, I put all muffins in the old reliable IF YOU CARE Large Baking Cups, because I dew care. I really really care if they stick to the bottom and I lose precious breakfast real estate. I’m a hungry osprey in the morning….noon and night when I eat me muffins.

~Muffin Intermission~

The Other Muffin

In ye olde muffin pans. These are a spin-off of these:

If that link doesn’t work, I nary know why??

The Easy Life

In this battle royal, I subbed in Pumpkin Puree. She gave a fair fight. How I do love Sweet Pots, but laziness beat out yam-yams this round.

I took out the oil and used applesauce.

I again used white all purpose flour.

I used regular almond butter and also on a few I tried peanut butter just for schiks and giggles.

Swirl Me A River

These also froze like a dream, ate like a dream–maybe it ’twas a dream? Because I found the most dreamy way to consume these little butters is with a drizzle of warmed maple syrup.

Doesn’t Look Like It, But Yes! Delicious

Have a Muffin Happy Day!


Trina & Rick

Trina & Rick

Trina & Rick

The main problem between Trina and Rick is the PHONE.  Rick was never a big video game guy. Trina only remembers one video game that Rick ever really played during their marriage.  That went through its cycle and then the game was never heard of again.

But, since Rick has gotten a smart phone things have been different. Rick spends almost all of his home time and downtime at his work being on his phone. Rick has specific games he plays daily and some he plays throughout the day.  The rest of the time is spent watching youtube videos and reading news articles or googling products he plans to purchase.  If there is a disagreement between him and Trina about whether something is true, Rick grabs his phone to see who is right in hopes that it is him.

Everytime Trina sees Rick at home he is on his phone. She has asked him to make time to share with her and he will do it for a day or three and then right back to the same phone routine.

Trina doesn’t want to beg Rick to spend time with her. She doesn’t want to nag him either. It seems she has tried to find things to do together, but he has no interest.

Does anyone have any advice for Trina?

What should Trina do?

Leaving Rick is not the answer.

Joining him by being on her phone is not the answer.

What do you think?

Help this girl!